Broadband Britain

For the last month I've been happily researching the digital revolution in the UK. Read a few articles and you'd think we're a pretty advanced bunch - quick on the uptake, leaders rather than followers.

Then today, finally embarking on a solo career, I have to perform the simple tasks of ordering myself a mobile phone and getting a residential broadband connection to take over from my business line - so that I can continue with my blogging escapades over the next few weeks and months.

First, the infinite choice of mobile packages flummoxed me. Am I a racoon, a budgie or a fish?? Do I want thousands of free texts? Do I talk at the weekends? Do I have any family or friends?? Do I call land lines. Urrm. Yes to all of the above. Urrm have I got the first clue about what I need? No no no says mrs racoon. .

To help me I signed up for some advice from an 'on-line trainer' who must have been a retard. Waited a couple of minutes and I hadn't been offered a single piece of help and advice - so I'm still untrained and phone free. (Apparently I could get my broadband free if I ever manage to close the deal - but I'm not holding my breath. Or holding a shiny new FREE handset for that matter).

So I parked that one and started with the broadband. Some pleasant chap sent me a mail just this morning. I thought his sales pitch was good. . .

"Our connections give you a dedicated speed, i.e. if you buy a 2mb you will get 2mb, not 2mb at 3am for half an hour and then speeds slower than a modem the rest of the time."

He continues. . .

“Your Call is in a queue….blah, blah, blah, sorry all our operators are busy….. blah, blah, blah. Sound familiar? Of course it does. But you will never hear it at XXXX. One of the critical factors behind our success, is our absolute commitment to customer service. Nothing flashy, just a simple promise. We guarantee to answer all calls within 15 seconds, and then you can talk to a knowledgeable technician who will solve your problem. It’s as simple as that."

So I got in touch. And true to his word - he was quick to respond. Apparently I don't qualify for decent service, now I'm just a residential user. So it looks like I'll be spending most of tomorrow in a call queue, blah blah, lucky if I get my call answered in fifteen minutes by someone who has only this week become familiar with the term 'broadband'.

Next week I'll be making like my dad, stumbling in circles round my lounge, scratching my arse whilst a bloke called Sid systematically destroys my home network and my sanity in an attempt to get me on line.

Viva la Revolution!